If I stay in for too long I go up the walls, if I go out I feel awkward (at times).

I joke sometimes but my life is no barrel of laughs right now.

I really do care, I really do.

Sometimes too much, but the rational part of me knows that caring does help and it is very important.

No days off – in a sense – it is a grind (mentally at least).

Doing a hundred things (not literally).

There’s always something.

I need to get tea bags in, or milk in or whatever.

I feel damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I do not want to be an embarrassment.

This is all so very strange – I feel like I am in a film that people are watching but I am not enjoying being in.

I am fed up of looking like a weirdo and having a lack of independence – I really do not like depending on anyone.

It all feels so complex and yet it is not.

This is all so exhausting, being on the spectrum during a cost of living crisis very much is.

Especially as a male in Liverpool, everyone expects you be as hard as nails.

And yes, I know other people are finding it difficult too, and have problems. I am very mindful of that.

You know when I am firing on all cylinders how empathetic I am.

I am letting this out.

Then it is back to positivity.

I have not been out with mates for ages, back to how it was in many ways, but it is useful to stay in and be focused.

I am trying to live like a monk again, I did 20,000 steps yesterday and I feel the best that I have felt for awhile.

I have positives though and things to focus on.

But it is having to start again, yet again, that is so devastating.

I have new hope though – very much so.

Since putting it on there that I am on the spectrum it has felt like it has made things worse or harder – like I am too aware of it – but it is like taking off a plaster as it is not very pleasant at first but better in the long run.

Well, I am trying, it is difficult but I am keeping at it (all).

I am persisting.

I tell you one thing – I do not give up and I am a pro.

Everything I do now must be of the highest quality – that is the intention.

On an especially positive note – I feel super focused and alert – caffeine boosts do help in that respect.

I am trying to manage my caffeine intake a lot better to be fair – it is getting a balance – I feel calm right now.

Getting those steps in help – even if they are from doing the hoovering or from just doing little things.

I was doing a workout of sorts at home last night until about 9 30 pm (or later), at home, no footy on (probably going to get the highlights on TNT Sports on YouTube).

Hopefully all these many little things are going to add up to something big sooner or later.

Well, it has mostly been a drab day at home today – in a lonely house – sometimes I like the space though.

And I received some really positive news this week but I am not broadcasting it – partly as the wheels are still in motion – and I need to take things as they come (and out of respect to the organisation).

I really appreciate the positive support that I have received from people in recent months, or any kind words that I have received.

Since the turn of autumn, things have slowly but surely been getting better.

So back to the positivity.

This is a new chapter.

Momentum can come around again quickly, things can change quickly, for the better.

The only way is forward.