I am writing this quickly – but hang on – not too quickly. I do not to want post just any old rubbish. This needs to go deep. I am telling myself to be composed – it does not help me to rush – but at the same time I need an edge – or do I – perhaps it is something else – or I am getting a routine back. I think sometimes I need something to push me. I have faced some tough things head on recently – so it shows what I am capable of. I just cannot go on like this – from an independance point of view. So I need to keep working on my plans. I do not want to trade in who I am for money – I think this is just getting my identity back or knowing that I am who I am and that is fine. So in that sense staying calm is so important – something has to give.